music
my man young jeezy came hard. very good cd. he seems kinda like jay z. in fact, very alike.
i also began listenin to my outkast cd. what a good cd it was. i mean it was a two distinct cds. so many memories acompany each song on the cds that it is very special for me.

change
so many people have changed. including myself. i mean i've become a very mature man. actually, i think i was already that. i think the only real thing that changed was everything around me. my girlfriend changed the most. yes yes, i've written about her and how she has changed and behaved but its true, she has changed. the old girl that i fell in love with never would have hurt me. she only wanted to see me smile.
my friends are all different too. i mean bobby is.. i dont know. he's not the same. he seems superficial and only concerened with his looks and persona. he talks differently, i dont know. he and i were so damn coo. man what happened?
my man mike lost his job. shit. its gonna be coo dog. my innocent homeys from school get drunk. fuck. shit done changed.
as i reflect on how much everything has changed, i see how much i have grown. of course i'm not perfect, i admit it. yet i know for a fact that i am a far better young man than many others out there. i wish she would realize...
yet is this all my life is currently? hoping and trying to make her love me? trying to impress her. i hope not. i love her, but i will not fold for anyone. i havent all my life. i can see us getting married and i love spending time with her. yet i wont let anyone step on me.

been a while
i haven't written anything on here for a while. i think the only two people that i showed this blog to forgot about it, like i almost did. its not really that i forgot about this, its just that i've been busy. i have school 4 days a week, school 2 days, one day off, and i spend time with my girlfriend along with anything such as spending time on my pc or video games etc. but as i sit here tonight, i cannot sleep. i mean i was tired, but i can only close my eyes, not sleep. so many thoughts are flooding my mind. why is my mind so over active?
first i think about how much i miss my baby. then about how you dont write or call me(i know your busy babe) but then it turns into negative thoughts. are you spending time with someone else. are you spending your time calling or writing someone else. then i remember what you did. how could you? i hate remembering that. then i remember alot of other things. i regret some decisions i've made such as trying to get you back. i mean you didnt give a damn, why did i? being the person i am, i shoulda said fuck it and let you go. in fact i shoulda cussed you out and showed you how angry i was. but i didnt. instead i did anything to make you happy and tried to make you love me. you didnt love me back. yet i tried and tried. i guess i succeeded. yet was it worth it? i am happy. but if it happens again i dont know what i'll do. i dont even want to imagine. i could go on forver about this, but i think its better that some of my personal business remains personal...
i also think about me. about where my life is headed. i have alot of pressure. my family has nothing but good thoughts of me. i'm the one thats gonna make it. im the only one that wasnt a fuck up. me...yet i dont know if i can. i mean i have done well so far in my young life. but its hard. its too much pressure. my main concern is to be successful. i dont want my children to experience anything that i did when i was younger. my childhood was not enjoyable. i mostly have only negative memories. the time in my life that was suppose to be full of fun and games was instead filled with pain, loss, depression, and poverty. i dont know. i have so many thoughts going on in my head and i think that the only way that i can relieve myself and finally be able to go to bed is to expel these thoughts. this is in my sense, my diary. should i invest in an actual diary? i'll see.

shady
what the fuck! i send you a goddam e-card and you send me one... and him one too! what the fuck is that. stupid bitch. i fuckin send you a card to express my love and you send me and this other faggit ass nigga one. well fuck both of you. hope you fuckin burn in hell. i hate this shit. i fuckin do anything to make you happy. i take you where you wanna go, we eat what you wanna eat, take you home from work, fuckin buy and take you ice cream at 12am and this is how you repay me!? goddam i hate you. arrghgghghha!
i havent talked to you yet. but i dont want to. i want to cuss you the fuck out. im tired of this shit. if you want to be wit me then why the fuck you still talkin to this motherfucker? you miss him? suck a dick.
am i mad, hell ya im fuckin mad. im tired of this shit, im tired of you, im tired of trying. you dont give a shit, then why do i still try? bullshit. i treat you like a fuckin queen and this what you do?

the evil
these evil thoughts appear in my mind sometimes. there thoughts of revenge, redemption. i want to show you how it felt. i know that you have felt it before. but not the extreme hurt i went through. i cannot explain it. yet afterwords, these thoughts came to me periodically. usually when you did something that made me mad. but these thoughts told me that i should have gotten back at you. that i should have did the same cruel thing to you. yet my actions would be 100 times worse. i dont think you ever really understood how much you hurt me, maybe this also explains why these feelings arose. some evil part in my brain told me to hurt you like you hurt me. it told you to make you think non stop like you did me. it told me to make you cry like you did to me...
i never did any of this. i dont ever want to hurt you like that. i never want to see you in so much pain and cry like that. im a better person. i havent even thrown it in your face like you did to me for these past two years. forgettin what you did is impossible, but replacing those memories with better ones is possible. so far we have been doin that, replacing it with positive memories. i love you baby, i love you

the lonesome...
i think my anti-social tendincies stem from my childhood. we moved so much i alwasy had to meet new people and make new friends. maybe i just internally gave up trying to meet new people? i've always been shy though. but sometimes i'm really not. im fine around a few people. yet im quiet among most people. shit, people at work think i just dont talk or that i dont speak english. whatever. i dont even really speak to my family members. the biggest reason for that is because the lack of respect i have for them and the differences in personality. i dont mind being alone, yet everyone becomes lonely. this could explain why i think so much, maybe its some type of way to communicate, even if it is with myself(i'm not crazy, just thinking). i also dont like alot of people. i can be very picky even amond friends. i cant stand fake ass people, they'll know it when it happens. that also explains why i dont talk to alot of people.
only one person brings out the best of me...

the night
my nights are usually reserved for you...but your gone right now. but that doesnt mean that you cant talk to me. you told me not to call because "you dont want to worry about your phone tonight?". i didnt think about it much immediately after that. i got angry later on. you could have stated that differently. why do you have to be so damn mean? im trying my best to be nice and not talk shit to you. but you cant take advantage of me because of it. i love you... shit like this makes me think that you dont feel the same way about me. you already fuckin know i'm paranoid now babe. dammit, dont do this to me again. i hate to think about it.
i didnt get mad because you didnt want to talk to me. the way you responded made me mad. i hate this shit... why try...

jus me and my...
i have been pretty tired lately, im not sure why. work is very easy now. my aunt called me. for what you say, well, to ask for money. very suprising. i've never asked you for a single thing in my entire life. i mean were not even close at all. now you see me doing well and decide to call and ask for money. ya right...
i have a feeling that all my classes will be easy...to easy. i think i may sign up for another class then. something jus to fill an hour thats suppose to be my lunch. since she's in my last class i figure we can grab something to eat together. my damn closet pole broke today. now i gotta go to hd and get one. dont remember how much the damn things cost...i think like a dollar something per foot and it looks like its about 6-7 ft.
i miss you baby...

delving into the mind
your in LA right now, i hope your having a good time. im ok, jus thinkin about you....and still about what you did. i get mad sometimes, i think about what you did. i just get angry. i still cannot believe what you did. i think it still bothers me because you never gave me an acceptable reason behind it all. why did you? you tell\told me that you love\loved me. yet how did you do that to me??? do you think that youre the only one that is tempted? i would never have suspected you of this. but it happened. i mean i see you emailed people. but i will never what happened at dance practice and anywhere else you guys hung out at. when did he go back??? how long is "a while ago"? now that youve done this. i realize that you are not the person i knew. i still love you, but you are different. im not complainin about anything, jus saying that i dont know you as much as i did, i guess. the person i knew loved me more than anything in the world and would never hurt me...
everthing seems to be going well. i just never want it to happen again. what drove you to do that??? how could you do that and still manage to see me day after day and talkt to me too? how could you tell me you love me yet stay up all night doing whatever you did?
im coping with this still as you can see. it was a huge ordeal for me. you literally broke my heart. so i cant just go to sleep and forget about it. you cant just kiss me and tell me you love me and i'll forget about it. you hurt me...YOU did. of all people. i still love you and i know you love me(now). many questions still haunt me and so do the memories...

one love
things have been goin very well. we have spending alot of time together, like a real couple. she loves me again! and i bought something for her today...or for me?
school starts next week on the 15, im not sure whether to take pe at crc or scc. maybe scc but then i have to take it in the morning at 8. i dont want to take it at crc before work. well i just registerd for class at crc so ya, thats finished then. i hope fitness lifts weights too or im jus gonna take weights instead.